Mar 13, 2019


This particular scene from The Truman Show ended our relationship.

I'm just being dramatic - this scene was something that triggered our discussion about "us" in the future. I can recall how he hissed at their dialogue, as he mildly hit himself on the forehead. My internet connection was sluggish at that night and Netflix stopped responding. So we ended up talking about...well, about sowherearewegoingnow, and I asked him doyouseeusforthelongrun?

I, too, feel uncomfortable seeing spouses at malls who couldn't look more unhappy and tired with their marriage. It just shows. Plus the kids...oh kids. Right now I could say I would pick dogs or cats anytime over human children because I believe I'm still too selfish to have and raise one for the rest of my life. And I don't know if I'm going to do any good for this world by releasing an offspring.

But I do want to have someone whom I can share my life with.

Since I've had a major breakup before, I coped up with the sadness with everything that I knew would make the process easier: I buried myself in Reddit support forums including the strangers from the other parts of the world (actually I love this story so much, and since I only post once a year maybe I will talk about it in 2021). But apparently meeting people in the flesh is even a better option, so I signed myself up on a dating app (not Tinder). And I'm also glad that I have so many other things running around in my head - which is exactly what those love articles advise you to do...keep yourself busy and see other people! Works like a charm, and I eventually find myself quite perplexed - in a good way. I have moved on.

But what now? A friend of mine once said that it's so damn daunting to start over again every time you get off a relationship. You have to do that ball-in-whose-court thing again, woo each other, meet the parents, go through the honeymoon phase only to reach the phase where both of you start annoying each other...again... Well, I know it's bound to happen but I'd like to take it as a thrill. I'm 26 this year. My parents are going to start bugging me with that question. My friends already gave me a piece of unsolicited advice after I told them that I really enjoy dating around and not aiming for a serious relationship. If one day I feel like not wasting my breath to defend myself, I will just tell them that I don't want to end up being the typical unhappy mother that you could easily spot at the malls.

And thank you The Truman Show for this.

Nov 5, 2017

Chatty Cathy Mood

I luv Stanley

It's a lovely Sunday here because I'm not aimlessly scrolling through Shopee on my bed and fall asleep afterward. Instead, I'm on my desk with so many tabs open, Photoshop behind the Chrome window and Spotify blasting Lily Allen's discography. Why Lily Allen in all of sudden? I'm not good at exploring music nor remembering the good ones, but when Ryan (my boyf) and I was out to grab dinner yesterday, he pointed to a black ACDC hoodie at Pull & Bear and teased me,

"Imagine you wearing that."
"People are going to be like, 'Look at this brat, there's no way she listens to ACDC!'"
"Because you only listen to Carly Rae Jepsen."
"I love Carly Rae Jepsen. You're not really into her, aren't you? But you do like girly songs.."
"I'm more of Lily Allen."
And it struck me. Lily Allen! How come I never checked her songs anymore since high school.

There's so much running in my head right I'm going to keep talking without any particular direction in this post. So since I have been disappeared for a year, I'd like to remind myself of everything during that time. I really like cats now, thanks to Ryan the crazy cat guy. I have always been a cat botherer and they make the best accessories to my drawings, but I mingle with them for real now. I have one special photo folder dedicated to stray cats in the neighborhood. I also read more various things online, more than ever, and actually try to know more about each of them (also thanks to him). Heck, my knowledge is just a tiny speck of dust compared to people I follow on Twitter - who seems to be able to talk about anything, and they are my age! I feel bad for not using the internet to its fullest, being quite ignorant and so unnecessarily judgemental all this time. Sometimes I wonder if it's my background that takes the blame. However, thanks to him again, I'm improving myself in silence. He never boasts or tells me shit to be more this or that. I just can't help noticing his extensive knowledge, diverse interests, and fairness. Just like how he could be a fan of Lily Allen and Parkway Drive at the same time. And how he praises Devil Wears Prada and The VVitch at the same time. Okay, I'm gonna stop raving about him now.

Oh, I want to talk about Instagram. Again. I have talked about this before - from being my happy place into something I occasionally avoid, Instagram has taken me for a hell of emotional roller coaster ride for the past...six years? I have been using this app to dig for inspirations and showcase my artworks until now, and I'm not planning to stop despite the emptiness it's giving me. An Instagram fellow whom I admire, Young, says it best in this case. We share the same thing that bugs us, and it's the engagement issue. Both of us happened to be spotlighted by Instagram (although Young got much bigger exposure than I did, and she sure is much more influential), we struggle with the balance of personal-but-not-too-personal content and we might have lost the charm; the intangible "it". I can't lie that I'm not bothered by Likes that seem to drop more and more, yet that number "23k" is still there on my followers count. The 23k, which I gained *without* my consent because Instagram thought I deserved it. Acquaintances are always blown after they encounter my profile and I can just shrug whenever they talk about the number. I can only give a hasty explanation if they choose to ask further. I feel hurt when people casually accuse me of buying fake followers. I was so driven to give myself a clean slate and start over, but being a big hoarder I am, it's impossible to leave my main account just like that. Although it's already too polluted, acting like there's nothing happened and keep going on with slow changes is the best choice. After all, maybe it's just an app.

How's everything at work? My full-time job is the one that consumes me the most this whole year. I don't know if I can say I'm pretty lucky to have a job that is *not* important enough to be taken care of once I'm out of the office because sometimes I have to stay pretty late and the job itself contributes nothing to my portfolio. No matter how much I like the idea of having double incomes, I still can't find the way to get back to business again. Honestly, it's not just about the money, but also *cheesy alert* about feeling alive. I'm like a dead fish at work. But I don't know what I should make and sell. What can I offer? Everyone owns their own brand now (a good point I take from Diana) and I feel sorry for myself for taking the opportunity to be one of the first for granted. Kind of. Someone once scolded me for thinking too much and never start doing something. I hated how right he was but it's like a glance of a silver lining now. A friend also showed me this Moleskine Star Wars edition with Yoda's quote on it: "Do. Or Do Not. There's No Try." This Ikigai Venn diagram also helps.

The highlight of the year is the Australia trip last June. I will post about it sometime. Not much to talk about though, because it was a tour and I had Chinese food all the time.

I have been keeping this Moleskine daily planner with me since January this year but I can't deny the fact I suck at committing, so I'm getting myself a weekly planner for 2018. I think I can keep a better track when there are no so many pages to write on. I remember I wanted to make a series called Movies I Watched every two months or so and failed spectacularly. Now I have an app for that, called Letterboxd. I love that app because the reviews are glorious, and the interface design is sleek! And talking about design...I want a new look for this blog. Maybe two years from now I finally manage to change the whole thing. I take everything slow. You know I wear dresses and pink a lot back then, now I'm mostly the 50s boyish Audrey (basic plain top, scarf, trousers, flats or t-strap heels) or typical ahensi outfit (graphic vintage t-shirt, patterned socks, DocMarts). Zooey Deschanel look still slips in, sometimes.

I have been typing for hours. Time to watch something. Anyway...maybe it's not really cool to expose my dark insecurities, but blogging about it relieves the overwhelmingness so to hell with it :)

Sep 9, 2017

Oh Dear

Well, well, well... *dusting off*

It's been almost a year since my very last post!!!

Nobody cares though, but I swear I have gone through several drafts since April to shoo this pile of guilt. And as you can see, I couldn't help myself. I already imploded in the first paragraph to complain about my stagnant life, my room, yadda yadda. So this time, no, I'm not doing it.